Avoid Blame Game

When the things go wrong, on home front, it is best, to avoid blaming the other partner. It must be clearly comprehended, that no spouse will do anything, deliberately, to spite the other partner. When we blame our partner, we get more of it in return, as most people are on short fuse and are likely to hit back, without realizing the conscious or unconscious damage to their relationship. Blame game involves seeing the other person as the problem and the other person believes the same about the other partner.

When such a competition starts the spouses feel that the other is in the wrong and they are justified in feeling or doing as they feel. Sadly, most people feel that being correct and accurate in their arguments is more important, than keeping their marriage at a positive level.

My own experience has shown that blame game has never resolved any problem, but has led to more complications, even to the break down, in the marriage. In fact blame game, how much may be justified, in the view of one partner, will invariably lead to resentment and grouse.

Have A Commitment To Make Your Marriage Work

We need, to have a daily commitment, not only to develop but also maintain pleasant relationships with our spouses. This commitment should not be treated as a ritual, as is done on the occasion of marriage. It has to be, a day after day, steadfastness, in looking after the interests of each other on daily basis and sharing one’s happiness and disappointments with each other. If for some reason, you are unhappy with your spouse, for a single reason, than make up for your disappointment, by saying and doing half a dozen acts, which will please your partner. Do not go by any belief that you are always right and your partner is always wrong. Instead of making a mountain out of a mole hill, try to minimize the differences.

Be Always Respectful To Each Other

We must, always bear in mind, that all of us have different backgrounds and have been exposed to different influences.

Nobody is an exact carbon copy of the others. We should not highlight the differences and accept that occasionally, our spouse might be right. Do not, ever give a sarcastic look, or pass a scornful remark, either on your spouse or to others, about your spouse, or even to your spouse casually.

Success in marriages requires a steady doze of kindness, courtesy and appreciation on a daily basis, as well as making time for each other. Even taking a walking, shopping and going to theatres together, builds up intimacy.

These are some of the examples, which can be useful. But there is no hard and fast rule, as each one of us, can adopt our individualized personal approach.

Have A Spouse Time

A vast majority, of people, claim, that what they are doing, or earning is for the sake of their family. But in practice, very few people schedule family time. The marriage suffers because the spouses want to excel in their jobs or want to be efficient and devote all their time to their profession.

Find excuses or basis, to be close, to your spouse, whether it is celebrating your marriage anniversary or appreciating the dress sense and good food preparation by the other.

Never Show Differences Publicly

Even if you have any difference of opinion with the other partner, do not show or discuss it or argue it in front of others. Never insult each other or the families of each other. Never go to bed angry. Before you make, a mountain of a disagreement, ask yourself, as to how it is going to help you. Show interest in what you spouse does or is doing. Help each other to develop the capabilities or talent.

It must be borne, in mind, that a successful and happy marriage is not a matter of chance or accident. Marriage is a partnership and like any good partnership, it needs commitment, dedication, hard work and nurturing to cultivate, grow and develop it.

Keep Communication Channels Open

It is vital, to keep the line of communications, open at all the time, between the spouses, especially when the things go wrong or are likely to go wrong. There are many factors, which can possibly cause friction, between the spouses. It could be close relations, friends, neighbors, acquaintances or even religious beliefs or views on political situation in the country.

Each couple is exposed to some influence or the other, which can lead to the corrosion or worsening in the rapport and bonding. It is best to draw a line, as to what you would allow others to discuss or comment on your family or spouse.

Whenever somebody makes a comment on your spouse, it is best to say that this matter is beyond discussion, as far as I am concerned. I had to do this more than once and pointed out straightaway to any of my associates, contacts, friends and contacts, who tried to dabble in my family affairs.

Guard Against 3 A’s

For a healthy marriage, we must be careful about three A’s that is Adultery, Abuse, Assault, apart from heaping insults. Do not allow them to creep near you, as they not only demean you, but also lead, to the wrecking of the marriage. There is no perfect marriage in the world.

However, it is up to each one of us, to make the moments we spend together as memorable. You have to be working all the time, to create a great marriage. Make it a part of your marriage to give and do more for your spouse, without expecting any return.

Marriage Is Not A Fifty Proposition

Marriage is not a fifty proposition. It can be 60 to 40 and in some cases 70 to 30. Marriage is both a bed of roses and thorns. When two people live together, there are, bound to be differences, annoyances and frustrations. But our effort should be, not to magnify small differences, like not putting the cap on toot paste tube, or snoring or not leaving the bath room spick and span, or eating midnight snacks. We must learn to accept each other’s aberrations.

Success in marriage does not come by finding the right partner, but being the right partner. Marnie Reed Cromwell rightly said… To keep the fire burning brightly there's one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart - about a finger's breadth - for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.

Never tell your problems to anyone... 20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

(Author is former Director of CBI)